At moments like this I feel truly ashamed. Ashamed for not being more grateful.

Tonight I've been watching a documentary about Rwanda. For now I have had to stop. It is not the images. In Zambia I watched as children struck with AIDS, cerebral malaria, and other diseases take their last breath. In Kenya I will never forget dodging what I thought was a man on the side of the road, only to realize it was a body. The images of Rwanda cannot compare, but what troubles me is how little people care. How little I care...and I have been to Africa. Thinking of my pettiness is disheartening. Wondering if I would be willing to die for the chance that a few could be saved is sobering to say the least. The truth is, I truly wonder if I would? So often I do not bodly speak of my savior in order that my friends do not face eternal torture. If I am not willing to sacrifice my pride...who is to say I would be willing to sacrfice more.

It is at moments like this when I am reminded about the sinner I truly am. How God's grace truly is amazing.

Then, I think about Sudan...they are calling it another Rwanda. What will I do this time? This picture is titled waiting. That is what I feel I am doing. Waiting to see if I will be able to impact the world, or will I always be hoping to impact others? I am waiting to see if marriage is something God holds for me, or if he wishes me to close that part of my heart. I am waiting to see if anything will come of this degree and career I am pursuing, or is only a side note?

Wow. Christmas is over. It has been a turmultuous last couple of days. I found myself turning in my last paper and then bursting into tears. My next day's schedule was full, but I found myself overwhelmed by the upcoming free time I had. (I know...crazy...this is what happens when you live in the fast lane!) It has also been overwhelming knowing that I have to go back to school and seriously work on jobs.

Everytime I begin to look for a new job, old feelings come up: fear and inadequacey. Can I really do the things God has called me to do?

Which brings up a whole new issue. God is so amazing, yet I have spent so little time with him. I reflect back on my life and think of the times of discipline which I have had in Bible study, in my thoughts, and in my prayer. I look at my current life and realize I have not maintained that discipline. I begin to ask myself why.

My thoughts? God has asked me to do things much bigger than I before and he has enabled me to do them. Now, it seems that which ever step I take next will involve a great deal of pain. Like a child looking at a looming needle in the doctors office I find myself looking at what God the same way. I know it is needed...but part of me still wants to avoid it.

Right now I'm looking at several options. One is taking a job with a nonprofit in the states and try to work my way up to a regional manager overseas. This involves delaying my desire of returning. Pain.

My next option is to try and secure a post overseas with a nonprofit. This will mean going to a place where I may not know any missionaries. Going alone terrifies me. I don't handle isolation or bordom well. With this option both are a possibility.

God may ask me to go as a traditional missionary. Raising my own support sounds exciting and absolutely terrifying at the same time. I don't mind asking for money for other people. I hate asking for money for myself.

Perhaps there is another option that I can't even think of or am afraid to even hope for. No matter what, I need to make sure I refocus on God. With so much else going on, it is easy to focus only on myself.

By the way....the pic is one of my Christmas items! I can't wait to put it on the backdash of old Sheila. My brother in law shook his head over this idea and said, "Do you want to scare the guys away?" Oh well. Hopefully one day I can find someone who won't be scared by my "quirkiness." ;-)

Time has flown by! I can't believe that this next week will be my last week teaching three days a week. Equally unbelievable is this semester will be my last semester of grad school! It really does just seem like yesterday that I got back from Africa. This coming April it will have been three years. I can't believe it.

Next week I'm off to Sun Valley! I don't know if I'll actually get to ski, but I'm hoping to have some sort of snow fun!

Tonight it is snowing, and it is beautiful. Watching the snow fall on the city always brings a quite and a peace. It makes me look forward to the Christmas Season and a time with family and friends.

This week has been John 9. I think the Lord put it in the Bible to humble me. You think you are beginning to figure things out, and then Jesus says, "For judgement I have come into this world, so that the blind will see and those see will become blind." I can understand the first part of the verse...He came to make the physical & spiritual blind see. But to make those who can see blind? In any facet, it seems contradictory to His nature. Unless he is saying that he is showing those who think they can see how blind they really are.

Today was a wonderful teaching day. It went very smoothly. Second semester will be here before I know it. Which means that my decision as to what to do next year is barrelling towards me. I'm am excited to see what is coming next. At the same time, the unknown is always slightly terrifying.

*Sigh* My paper due tonight is finally printed and sitting beside me! I'm taking a moment to try and detox a little before moving on to class! My O.D.D. student was giving me fits today. You know the day is not going to be good when it starts off with him shouting at you "I hate school!" I'm just praying a lot for him and trying to be a consistent as possible...but I keep thinking of all the things I need to do differently.

Yesterday he was gone and it was so nice to have a little down time.

Well...4 more pages down....30 more to go before December 20th. That will be my last day for this semester!

Well, I received some dissapointing news today...My parents scheduled Christmas on the day of the YMCA Christmas run! It's my 10K tradition...I'm trying to decide if I can manage both in one day or not. :)

Well, I made it back to my little apartment.

Right now, all I can think about is how thankful I am. I have an amazing family and amazing friends. All the wonderful things God provides for me. Not to mention I am healthy. Thinking back to how horrible I felt lest year because of all my thyroid problems makes me so grateful for all of those things normalizing.

This last week has definitely been a well needed break. However, now break time is over and it time to focus on the next few weeks. Basically, I'm going to have to be extremely focused until December 17th-the day my 20 page paper is due!

Well, tomorrow is the big day. CONFLICT! I have a big parent meeting and it is definitely one of those things where I wish I could just through my covers over my head and avoid it! God is continuously bringing biblical senarios into my head...when Jesus told his disciples not to worry when they went before the courts, he would give them the words to say...God blessing the work of Jacob and Joseph...how much I will grow through this...God's chance to shine through this...So, I must pray: Lord, may these parents tomorrow see you through me. May this situation point them towards you.

Well, it is almost noon and I've already had three appointments! Now am I ready for a nap! This last week has been super crazy...summary? Let's just say its involved angry parents, wrong buildings for class, crazy papers, naughty kids, and being locked out of the building my evening class was in, paper in hand, looking at the professor lecturing through the window, trying to decide whether I should knock on the window or wave....curious if I would get arrested for an attempted break in...and then trying to decide whether to laugh or burst into tears...so I did a little of both!

I'm so thankful that yesterday is over, and God has given me a new day! I was glad to have also made it to Bible Study today...last week I was too exhausted, but it was great to have that followship today.
We looked at John 7, and reflected on how Jesus' brothers didn't understand why he didn't go public with his miracles. Similar to Mary in chapter 2 perform the wedding miracle, even though His time hadn't come. His brothers didn't understand who he was or his real purpose.

Today I have been reflecting how true that is for me. I know what God can do. I see it first hand. Yet, I often try to force him (oh pitiful human that I am) to do what I think he should do. I want him to do his miraculous work were I want to see it done.

This week I am thankful to have made it to Monday! This last week was really busy with conferences and just life in general. Knowing next week is Thanksgiving break is giving me cause for celebration!

I finally finished my resume...now it is time to start circulating it. I have no idea when I am going to do this, but I need to start. I'm anxious to start the next stage in my life. I am ever so grateful that God has placed me here in Boise and at Middleton for now, but I can't wait to see what is in store next. For now...off to another night of budgeting. Aren't you jealous?

Yesterday I spent a few wonderful moments talking with the missionaries I worked with, John and Julie. I love them both dearly. After talking with them, all I could hope for is that God could bless me to work with them again overseas. Our hearts beat so much alike for God and for people that I can think of no greater priveledge than to work with them again.

So, I continue learning about God and seeking him in the future.

I've managed to return to my fav coffee shop...Rembrandts. I banned it for a while due to budget constraints, but it inevitable draws me back. Usually it provides a great people watching background...not to mention that occasionally I run into long lost aquaitances here.

Rembrandts fascinates me. I love it, but there are parts I am disturbed by. It is too utopian. It is perfectly old, yet perfectly new. The music is great for everone. Not to mention the advertisement on the door "Botox for books"...offering 100% of profits for your facelift to go to a worthy cause!

Yet I always come back. I love the art. I love watching and imagining I'll run into interesting people.

Perhaps I dislike the perfection and the fact it is a cheap substitute with how I would rather be spending my evening: with friends. However, the graduate life lends little time to fellowship. This portion of my life only has a few months left however! Then I am on to freedom!

These last few weeks I have found myself challenged by the Bible Study Experiencing God. SOme parts of it are really good. However, I find myself not completely sure if I agree with it. Mainly, I guess because it promotes the premise that it will always be obvious where God is working and when he is speaking to you. Yet, it seems there are many occasions in the Bible where God is talking and his people miss it. His disciples didn't get it for a long time. I have often found in my life that the path I am to take isn't obvious. Instead, I have to seek it.

I find myself in that scenario now. For years, I have struggled and fought to prepare myself to go back to Africa. Now, I am unsure if that is what God has for me next. My heart breaks at the thought of not going. Yet, I feel so drawn to starting some sort of childrens ministry...for the kids that don't go to church. It seems that I have been bombarded with the need from the TV, from other people, from my reading over the last few days.

Then I think of the needs the kids have in Africa. America has its problems, but at the same time it is so perfect. We have so much. Why should I stay where I can offer so little? I can offer so much overseas. I think this is one reason that the last few weeks have been rather hard for me. The though of not going eats at my soul.

All of this draws me to spend more time in prayer and seeking the face of God. My ultimate goal is to serve him however I can. My ultimate purpose: to bring glory to him in all that I do. Here or overseas.

These last few weeks have been extremely hectic. It takes a lot to stress me out, but lately I've dragged myself home so tired and stressed that my whole body hurt. I've often been told I need to toughen up, that my heart is too tender. Today I wish it were that easy. It is literally painful seeing the choices that some of my students are making. I love my students; I wish I was able to help them more. Truly only God can save them.

I am so thankful that I have God to hold on to. I literally do not see how people survive without him. He is my very breathe.

In physics, they speculate why nuetrons and positrons stay together in an atom. The same charge that exists in the positrons should propel them apart. Yet some force, either a slight negative charge or...the answer to all things...God...holds them together. How amazing. I feel that he is that same force in my life. The are so many areas in my life that seem to want to continually charge in opposite directions. Yet God hold them all close and I sit in the middle. Amazed by the miracle and shaken by the conflict in the midst of it.

Life is so short. This reality has struck me over and over again this week. As eluded to earlier, I've been overwhelmed with the needs surrounding me. Each time I think, "I could make a difference there....only if I had the time." When I read the book "Tuck Everlasting" I found myself ashamed of the fact that I did desire to expand my life time. It is not because I do not desire eternity with every fiber of my body, but because I desperately want to be used of God, yet I am so limited in what I can do.

God rejoices in my limitation. Throughout this week he has shown me how weak and frail I am. He has shown me how little I can accomplish. It has been humbling. Then he reminds of what an amazing God he is. He shows me verses which demonstrate how he has the power to shake nations and dictate leaders. He is so powerful that the innate rocks around us will cry out in praise if we refuse to.

In His word, God continuously offers the chance for people to join his army. In Ester and so many other places he informs us that if we refuse, another will rise and take our place. Thank you Lord that it is not up to us to shake the nations...you already hold them in the palm of your hand. You have merely offered to let us join in.

Praise God.

Well, today was the epitome of funky moods. It was the kind that is the most frustrating: there is money in the bank, my class was great, there's no school tomorrow, I had the evening completely free (a rare occurrence), and had just received photos of friends that I put up in the apartment.

As I found myself getting deeper in my funky mood as a result of not knowing why I was in a funky mood... I went and did errands. No change. Finally, after a friend called, it all poured out. I teared up as I told her about my day. First, I found out one of my Kindergartners from last year isn't doing well in first grade and got in trouble with the police over the summer. This was a student I LOVED. I knew if he ever came up for foster care he would have immediately been in my home. Then I told her about my kid with the meth Mom and how he is failing third grade again!!! Then I told her how couldn't help thinking how I learned yesterday that the kids who truly do not believe they are responsible for their actions (which perfectly describes one of my students) are the ones who end up stealing and killing as adults. I had a parent tell a bold face lie to me and tomorrow I have to decide what I'm going to do about it. Then there is the child who rumor has it her Mom hasn't been home lately...no one has been home lately...but no one is really sure. Right now I can't help but think of her lying in her house alone.

I began to think about all my other kids who have had parents in jail...and know that the statistics say they will follow the same path and probably end up in jail themselves.

This evening I have sat suffered from a broken and angry heart. No, it isn't over any guy or situation. It is not even over the parents...but at the Christian community. Why do we pour all this time and energy into Sunday School where all the parents and kids are saved? Why aren't we out on the field? Parents PAY people to take their kids off their hands....surely they would let us mentor them and teach them for free. There is such opportunity to show them the love of Christ. There is such opportunity to lead them to salvation. Why do we only take care of our own? Why is no one reaching out to them?

It took all afternoon...but I finally figured out the reason for my funky mood. Satan has his fingers gripped around these kids lives. Kids I deeply care about. Hed is slowly choking all hope from them. Sunday School is good. Yet it is putting a band aid on plump, rosy cheeked children while other children lay strewn on the battle field.

The war is on. Where is God's army?

You know you are a geek when.....

(1) You take a class all about budget theories and enjoy it
(2) You long for the day when you have the time to get your hands on a good classic...haven't read War & Peace yet....
(3) You own The St. Martin's Guide to Writing...and use it.
(4) You can't wait to buy a new footnote program
(5) Fav film is foreign film
(6) Thomas Friedman and medical terms are frequent conversation pieces at the dinner table.
(7) Stephen Hawkin graces your library.
(8) Your professors know you by name and get annoyed by all of your questions.
(9) On a road trip a Slim Jim & NPR are a MUST. Diet Sunkist is a bonus.
(10) YOU CELEBRATE THE FACT MR. BEAN NOW HAS A SECOND MOVIE!

Here is the top reasons to pursue a geek girl (this made me laugh)

They are generally available.

Other men will tend not to steal them.

They can fix things.

Your computer will love them.

They're smart.

-My addition: they probably won't make you rich, but you just might have kids who solve the world's energy crisis in a green way. :)

Well, I have had an amazing week. God continues to guide and direct my life in amazing ways! Right now I am just having to exercise much patience and discipline. Basically I've decided to start looking at larger NGOs to work for next year....World Vision, Samaritan's Purse and the like. Mom is rooting for Mission Aviation Fellowship. She wants a pilot to come and sweep me off my feet and have us fly together all over the world. (Did I say my Mom wanted that? Considering her avertion to me be in dangerous situations maybe she got the idea from me?) Hehe...although I think there is one little problem...no pilots license here which I'm pretty sure is a requirement for flying for MAF.

Oh well. Enough of having my head in the clouds. In all seriousness I am again being asked by God for my level of committment. World Vision had two of its workers killed in Sudan last week...and they are looking for people to go to Sudan.

I feel as though God is always asking if I am willing to give my all...my literal life, the chance of having a family...all for him. It is very nerve wracking handing such things over to God. In handing them over, the reality that I may never get any of those dreams back hits like a ton of bricks.

Looking at statistics for missions over the past few years it has sadden me that there are so many more women on the field than men. I don't believe that God has called more women...just that more have responded. It saddens me to think of the wonderful opportunities that have passed by because either men or women are not willing to go.

In talking with an old friend this week, I was again reminded how often that we stay behind because we are not willing to give it all up for him. So many young professionals don't go because they are afraid if they do God will require all from them.

Oh...I've also added pictures of Mt. Borah...stills makes my stomach get butterflies looking at them!

September 17, 2007

Well, I am in the full swing of being amazingly busy! Between teaching, school, and my other commitments, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. This week has been rather difficult to as it is missions week. Every year during missions conference I can't help but be a little disappointed that I'm still not on the field. God has continued to show me that now is preparation and learning for the next thing. I can almost taste August and the thought of being done with school is exhilarating!

I'm still praying over what the next stage of my life will look like. For a time, I though about going to Alaska to try and put away some money since I will most likely be missionary poor the rest of my life. God has reminded me in amazing ways though that my life is completely in his hands. He is my father and will provide for me through all stages of my life....even when I'm old.

I feel like he has called us to be wise with our money, but I also feel like he has called us to sacrifice.

Right now I have so many passions, it is hard to imagine which one God would have me focus on next. I did have some clarity however... that God has placed in front of me many doors to some amazing ministries. I think I'm just going to have to go and start door testing to see which one he has open for me.

This weekend was amazing! I was able to go up and spend time with my parents and dialogue about the future. My parents are great and are super supportive. If I talk about writing a book they don't shoot my idea down. These last few weeks I've really spent in prayer and although I still don't have a direction about this next year, God has shown me that he has his hand in every area of my life. I know I can trust in him completely.

The weather has finally changed here...we have clouds! Although I have enjoyed the summer season here in Boise, much like the seasons of life I am looking forward to the change and to discover what the new season holds.

For now, I must prepare. I know this next year will be a challenge and will again stretch me. I just pray that God may be glorified through it.

Tapering for the Marathon! Above is my marathon mecca...where the race ends at Ross Park Pocatello. I'm proud to be doing another marathon, but can't wait to start doing some other sports as well! (You aren't supposed to pick up any new intense cross training the last few weeks. As I've renewed an old fling with my bike this is quite a challenge). September 1st the pain begins!

A Time of Prayer.

The full realization that I will be done with my masters in a year is finally hitting me! Which begs the question....what next? God has taught me so much these past few years as a teacher and as a friend to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I feel like it has been a busy, stretching time...but strangely restful as well. I've been able to watch God continue to mold me and grow me. I turned 26 this year...and God has taught me to cherish this time. I wouldn't trade it for any age.

Right now I am focusing on praying for direction for the next step to take. I will finally be free to return to the mission field, degree in hand, ready for whatever God calls me to. Ever since I was Kenya, I wanted my masters. During that time, God showed me how higher education could be the ticket into any country...even closed ones.

So, now I'm looking for that next step. One possibility is joining Jerry Daniels....an AMAZING missionary. He desperately needs help and has always wanted me to join him and his wife on the field. Another option is the Philippines, another is more school (yes I am a glutton for punishment), or God may direct me to wait (the hardest option).

Please pray with me during this time. I've committed to pray until September 15 for God's direction in this matter. If he does direct me to go overseas again, I will need to start raising funds at that time for the following year.

Pray makes such a difference.

Lately, life has been full of something very dear to my heart. I've had the amazing privilege to work on a video to promote Regional Ministry Centers. I don't think that you are supposed to cry when making a video, but I've found myself doing so. Africa is on the brink of change. I truly believe it is up to the Christian church whether it will be a change for good or a victory for Satan. Our prayer is that with these regional ministry centers, we will be able to reach in the Muslim communities....eventually Sudan, Ethiopia, and maybe even into the uttermost resistant places.

This last week our sermon was on being a revolutionary. Being willing to give it all to Christ. What would happy if Christians put aside our easy lives and truly gave our all to him? Not out of guilt, but out of the sense of adventure of what can happen when we do when he is are all.

Please join me in praying about these centers and my role in them. I've committed to pray until September 15th about my future role. After that, I feel I need to commit to raise money for this endeavor or, if God happens to lead elsewhere, begin to prepare for that portion of the journey.

I've posted the video on youtube...follow the link below. It is a lower quality version, but I'll be happy to burn you a better version if you like.

Join the revolution in whatever way God has called you to.

http://www.youtube.com/v/tHlqX969RhA

Well, right now I am in Arkansas. It has been quite a trip...but a lot of fun. This weekend I was able to meet some very long lost relatives....so long lost I don't think you could even quite call them relatives as we are about as closely related as we are each to Adam and Eve. My grandfather's second cousin apparently has "stitchin" in the Smithsonian and we were able to see a sample of her work at a local store. I've also been able to see lots of great aunts and uncles who have actually grown very dear to me.

I'll be glad to get home however and get started on the next part of my life...moving!

The local wildlife will also be glad as I helped out a suicidal skunk this evening. Apparently, I am going for the big five in road kill....an armidillo, skunk, pheasant, rabbit, squirrel, and raccoon....so far I'm only missing the raccoon. I'll keep you posted.

June 26, 2007

LIFE IN POCATELLO

Well, I'm in Pocatello visiting my sis and having a great time. It is very strange being back here. Seeing old haunts has stirred up memories which I never knew existed! The funniest so far has been the raspberry farm where I had my first job....worked right beside the delinquents and down the road is the stop sign my Dad and I argued endlessly over. Being a very studious rule follower I would always stop at the stop sign, then at the white line, then edge up to where I could see better, then go. That is what my driver's ed teacher told me to do. Dad was sure that someone ran into me after I had stopped the eighth time at one stop sign!

Great epiphanies? It has been amazing to spend time with my sister! We have stumbled upon an interesting research project while in town which we have spent a portion of our time discussing and coming up with various postulates. In a mere 24 hours, I have been honked at, winked at, cat calls, claimed to have been an acquaintance from a party, and in have had attempted various conversations started with me. This at a greater rate than I have ever experienced in Boise. So far we have a few theories.
(1) We look like city girls and men have certain assumptions about city girls.
(2) I must bear a striking resemblance to some local woman with loose morals.
(3) Men here are more bold and not as fearful of rejection

We will keep you posted if we come to any conclusions. Frankly I feel we have a more likely chance of solving nuclear fusion than solving this conundrum.

Don't worry. God DAILY humbles me...so I'm consider this more of a strange circumstance than a tribute beauty! I'm thankful for a God who is willing to humble me in all circumstances and reminds me that he is in control. All I have to do is read about the prophets who SAW God...they wept and were ashamed...and they were much more than I. I look forward to the day God calls me home.... but have a healthy fear of seeing a God so powerful for the first time.

June 22, 2007

Not that this is terribly interesting, but I needed a break from grading papers! We did personality tests in class...and mine came out as an INFJ. Originally that had me pegged as an extavert vs. introvert, but after discussing with the parents, we decided that I was an introvert that had learned to become rather extraverted in order to survive moving a lot!

Here a few websites that describe my personality. You can go through and try to guess yours...which is fascinating. In order to get the "official" results you have to take an MBTI test which is only done through a certified tester... which my professor happens to be! For those of you who always thought I was a little strange....Congrats! You were right as my personality type is the rarest.

http://www.infj.org/public/infjcharacter.html
http://www.murraystate.edu/secsv/fye/INFJ.htm

It's been a lot of fun to learn about the different personality types. It has also been fun to get to know grad students and even their significant others. We hung out after the last class (me with my diet coke) and I had the joy of my life questioning to my hearts content Mike, the prof's hubby about his three degrees, Russia, and the political world at large! It has been so fun hanged out with people who have such diverse experiences!

June 19, 2007

Wow! It has been a very long time since I've blogged! I must apologize. The last few weeks of May were crazy with report cards and K graduation and the first few weeks of summer I feel like I've been playing catch up. I'm amazed at how busy I'm staying when not working! Of course, much of the time is spent in devotions, running, reading, and working on my internships. I still haven't done my official ritual of the start of summer....watching Lord of the Rings...so let me know if anyone wants to join the ritual and prepare for a one or two nights of nothing but LotR!

God has been doing some AMAZING things in my life lately. The first big news is I'm going to school full time! (YEAH!) I can't believe that this time next year I'll probably be taking my last class with my diploma by August. Getting my masters has always been such a dream and I can't believe that I'm finally going to have it. I've been wanting to go full time, but had been praying that God would give me one final push because I wasn't sure I could do it finacially. In his infinite wisdom...I didn't get a push but a gift. Last month I received a scholarship for my tuition and books and then a few weeks ago I received another scholarship that will cover some of my housing cost. I am always amazed at how God cares for me... and ashamed about how I often complain.

This weekend I was amazed as I got to spend time in his creation (hence the backpacking pic) and reflect on the things he has been teaching me. I've been reading a book about a missionary who was imprisoned in a Japanese internment camp during WWII. It has truly reminded me and help me fully to understand to "rejoice in tribulation." As I read this book and reflected on my own life it became so clear how during tribulation God has the opportunity to show himself on a level that we can never reach in our comfort. In the good times we have little need for prayer. In tribulation, the spiritual battle often becomes clear and we take our post as soldiers. God reveals himself, his love, and his protection in ways that you can never see we life is easy.

Lately the tribulations of Christians in other parts of the world has struck deep within me. I've found myself praying for the Christian women in an islamic world who fears for her life and can't leave her house because her culture dictates it. It has been my prayer that God turn all of this conflict in the Middle East to turn the people's heart towards him. For in tribulation, we see God.

These thoughts have circulated my mind: The harvest is plenty. The workers are few. If they will persecute me they will persecute you. How long will we cling to our wasteful lives to change them for hardship....and a chance to reach those who live in darkness? A chance to see God work in ways we will never see if we do not suffer. This is not a question for others, but for myself.

May 13, 2007

I believe the Swan Falls dam has become one of my favorite spots. Yesterday I had a special treat in that the museum there was opened to the public...normally only available by appointment on Mondays or Wednesdays. It was amazing to walk through and see the history. I love old buildings. You know that people worked their and each had their own story. Walking through I couldn't help but wonder what those stories were. What were the people like? Did they like their jobs? What drove people to become part of the original construction team? Were times desperate or was it just another job? At one moment I stood at the bottom of the turbine looking at the old gates. They were all that seperated me from the water on the other side...a fact that unnerved me just a little considering water was seeping through them, covering the floor in a thin sheen of water. I marveled at how all of it was made around 1901.

Yesterday was finally a chance to take a Saturday and accomplish nothing! It seems as if every Saturday since January I've had a paper or project to work on. This last semester has been hard, but I'm so grateful to be done. Now I just have the task of deciding for sure what to do next year! The lure of full time grad school is strong, but I feel as if it still requires some prayer and open doors.

I spent part of my day today beginning to pack my classroom and began to feel a twinge of sadness realizing these are the last few weeks with my kids. I've really developed deep bonds with many of them this year. God has allowed me to plant some seeds which I'm desperately praying will grow. A little boy asked me the other day, "How can I get way up there to talk to God?" I looked around, then whispered in his ear, "He can hear you no matter where you are." It felt so good to break the rules. I am now facing the harsh fact that my time of influence over so many of these little souls is about to come to an end. After a few weeks, they will be in God's hands. I pray that God will protect them and bring them to know him. To think of the alternative is heart wrenching.

Pray for the children of our country.

April 28, 2007

This past week I feel like it has been a full out wrestling with God moment. Not so much in the Jacob sense. It is more like I am fully entangled with life, my desires, and his. At the moment I cannot tell where one ends and the other begins. This like week I really wanted to take a big step and finish my masters in one year. I was on cloud nine at the thought. It would mean I could go on the mission field in one year! Then I taught the next day and nearly cried. I thought about leaving my school, my coworkers, my friends, and all the work I've put into teaching these last two years. These thoughts were over whelming. So now I am in the midst of discerning what is my will and what is God's. Usually these decisions are made through prayer and fasting. Life has been so busy, however, that I've let my normal personal time with God falter, much less the extra time I normally spend when such decisions play on my mind.


On the lighter side, spring is here and my anticipation of summer is rising. Thursday night I walked downtown at 9:00 at night and it was perfect. It was warm with dusk just approaching. I relished the moment deeply. In addition the leaves have finally unfolded and the quaking aspen in our bake yard is shimmering in the spring breezes. It is at moments like these that I remember that God always gives some seed of joy during any time. You just have to look for it, nuture it, and watch it grow!

I'm excited to announce that my parents made it home from Kenya! You can really pray for Kenya right now and the missionaries that are there. The threat of being taxed excessively is still heavy on every one's hearts. In addition the exchange rate has continued to drop making it a very tight and difficult time for our missionaries there. In addition, the politically situation is still difficult and it sounds as if there is a continuously rising tension between the African people and white people.

Being a teacher, the shootings today struck a very deep cord in side of me. We practice for such things at our school, and I couldn't help but think about what I would do.I kept thinking about how I could protect them if such a thing happened in our school. When you work with such a variety of kids and people, you know it could happen. You see the severely troubled kids; you understand their psychology, and you know exactly how something like this could happen in any school.

What do you tell five year olds when something like this happens? It's inevitable that they will know about it and want to talk about it tomorrow. It is especially hard when you can't throw God in the mix. I have the promise that he works all things together for good for those who believe in him. So many of them have no such promise. May God open doors to share such things. Even five year olds need to know that someone is in control and loves them no matter what.

My apologies for no pics! Salt Lake was awesome but it was such a whirlwind trip that I didn't take a single picture.

April 12

Always a humbling moment. Today I punished a student without get all sides of the story. I called Dad to explain what had happened since I had sent the child to the ever dreaded principle's office. I felt like I was nine and getting a lecture from my parents when he very gently, but calmly ask, "Were the other kids punished? Did they participate in anyway?" Thankfully the parent was calm and even, but I feel horrible that he was overpunished.

Thankfully God is always forgiving. I'm glad he gives us slack and never punishes too harshly.

I'll try have some pics posted over the next few days. Saturday I'm leaving for a wirlwind trip to see my sis in Salt Lake and then to Moab. I feel rather silly making such an impulsive trip. Especially since I have a paper due on Tuesday (hence the midnight blog) I get itchy feet rather easily though and I am very ready to get out of town and see Moab!

The best part of my day today? Telling stories to the kids. They love to hear stories about when I was little and the things my sis and I did. They even like to hear what is going on in my life now. You never saw so many girls smile when I told them I got to be Cinderella last week and dance until Midnight (I went to fundraiser/ Prom night that a local charity put on). I now have a student who has a full time behavior interventionist however. I'm very grateful to have him, but enjoy it more when it is just me in the kids. Then I can tell stories, instruct in moral virtues without anyone thinking I'm crazy.

April 8, 2007

I'm back! I finally had a moment to sit down and figure out my password (ooops) so I could start blogging again.

Today was amazing. I spent sometime reflecting by the waters of the Snake River. The day was beautiful and the water so soothing to watch as it trinkled by. It was akin to being in the midst of God's soul...it was hard to imagine than anything or any problem existed outside of my peaceful moment. It also made me crave summers brevity and bliss!

This week has been great. However, I am a little bitter about the fact my parents are in Africa without me! :) I would love to be with them, preparing to go back permanently. It is hard to think about teaching and going to school for another three years when I'm ready to be back overseas now. Yet, part of the reason I'm getting my masters is to be prepared to go to closed countries if God calls me there.. and I don't want my impatience to interfer with that opportunity. All in God's timing though.

Thanksfully, God has given me some amazing opportunities here in Boise to keep me busy. I've finally gotten a T.A. position. It's unpaid, but I'll have the chance to help out with a short publication. I'm very excited about the possibility of writing...I don't have my name in a journal, but this could be even better. :)

In the mean time I feel like God has given me some amazing responsibilities here. Two of my kids have parents in jail, another just lost her Mom, and another little boy is about to loose his grandmother. These kids need such prayer. I find myself constantly wishing to take them home and help heel their wounds...than frantically praying that no such thing would happen when I think about the responsibility!

God is awesome and I am so thankful for the savior and everything he has done. What an amazing sacrifice for such a crazy being as me! I'm so thankful that God has the ultimate plan and holds us so closely to his heart. So close that he gave the very dearest thing he had, his son.

Have a Great Easter!