These last few weeks have been extremely hectic. It takes a lot to stress me out, but lately I've dragged myself home so tired and stressed that my whole body hurt. I've often been told I need to toughen up, that my heart is too tender. Today I wish it were that easy. It is literally painful seeing the choices that some of my students are making. I love my students; I wish I was able to help them more. Truly only God can save them.

I am so thankful that I have God to hold on to. I literally do not see how people survive without him. He is my very breathe.

In physics, they speculate why nuetrons and positrons stay together in an atom. The same charge that exists in the positrons should propel them apart. Yet some force, either a slight negative charge or...the answer to all things...God...holds them together. How amazing. I feel that he is that same force in my life. The are so many areas in my life that seem to want to continually charge in opposite directions. Yet God hold them all close and I sit in the middle. Amazed by the miracle and shaken by the conflict in the midst of it.

Life is so short. This reality has struck me over and over again this week. As eluded to earlier, I've been overwhelmed with the needs surrounding me. Each time I think, "I could make a difference there....only if I had the time." When I read the book "Tuck Everlasting" I found myself ashamed of the fact that I did desire to expand my life time. It is not because I do not desire eternity with every fiber of my body, but because I desperately want to be used of God, yet I am so limited in what I can do.

God rejoices in my limitation. Throughout this week he has shown me how weak and frail I am. He has shown me how little I can accomplish. It has been humbling. Then he reminds of what an amazing God he is. He shows me verses which demonstrate how he has the power to shake nations and dictate leaders. He is so powerful that the innate rocks around us will cry out in praise if we refuse to.

In His word, God continuously offers the chance for people to join his army. In Ester and so many other places he informs us that if we refuse, another will rise and take our place. Thank you Lord that it is not up to us to shake the nations...you already hold them in the palm of your hand. You have merely offered to let us join in.

Praise God.

Well, today was the epitome of funky moods. It was the kind that is the most frustrating: there is money in the bank, my class was great, there's no school tomorrow, I had the evening completely free (a rare occurrence), and had just received photos of friends that I put up in the apartment.

As I found myself getting deeper in my funky mood as a result of not knowing why I was in a funky mood... I went and did errands. No change. Finally, after a friend called, it all poured out. I teared up as I told her about my day. First, I found out one of my Kindergartners from last year isn't doing well in first grade and got in trouble with the police over the summer. This was a student I LOVED. I knew if he ever came up for foster care he would have immediately been in my home. Then I told her about my kid with the meth Mom and how he is failing third grade again!!! Then I told her how couldn't help thinking how I learned yesterday that the kids who truly do not believe they are responsible for their actions (which perfectly describes one of my students) are the ones who end up stealing and killing as adults. I had a parent tell a bold face lie to me and tomorrow I have to decide what I'm going to do about it. Then there is the child who rumor has it her Mom hasn't been home lately...no one has been home lately...but no one is really sure. Right now I can't help but think of her lying in her house alone.

I began to think about all my other kids who have had parents in jail...and know that the statistics say they will follow the same path and probably end up in jail themselves.

This evening I have sat suffered from a broken and angry heart. No, it isn't over any guy or situation. It is not even over the parents...but at the Christian community. Why do we pour all this time and energy into Sunday School where all the parents and kids are saved? Why aren't we out on the field? Parents PAY people to take their kids off their hands....surely they would let us mentor them and teach them for free. There is such opportunity to show them the love of Christ. There is such opportunity to lead them to salvation. Why do we only take care of our own? Why is no one reaching out to them?

It took all afternoon...but I finally figured out the reason for my funky mood. Satan has his fingers gripped around these kids lives. Kids I deeply care about. Hed is slowly choking all hope from them. Sunday School is good. Yet it is putting a band aid on plump, rosy cheeked children while other children lay strewn on the battle field.

The war is on. Where is God's army?