I was reading John 11 tonight and doing a little cross referencing. I know I had heard it before, but it struck me tonight that Mary was the same Mary who wept at Jesus feet, perfumed him, and dried it with her hair. This is the Mary who sat at Jesus' feet and listened while Martha toiled away. This is the Mary who was a woman of the night.

When Lazarus died and they heard that Jesus was coming, Martha went and approached him immediately. Mary, however, did not. I picture Martha being the homemaker, the responsible one, the one who never made a mistake. Then, there was Mary. She didn't follow the rules. She gave herself to multiple men. She didn't jump up and help Martha "Stewart" even though Martha was rather frustrated with her.

She had found the Son of God. A man she could trust. A man who only had her best interest in mind. A man who wouldn't play with her heart, use her, or treat her as a mere piece of dirt. She had found the Savior.

But then her brother died. He wasn't there. Her heart shattered into a million pieces. She trusted, most likely against her better judgement, and even God wasn't there when she needed him. She falls at Jesus' feet and hurls this accusation at him: "if you had been here!" I can just picture her falling apart. I have felt that same hurt before.

Jesus wept.

So many sermans I've heard the pastor pegs this line as Jesus being sad he lost his best bud Lazarus and seeing this emotional women reminded him of that and caused a little tear. I don't picture it this way. Jesus had already told his disciples and Martha he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. He had know real reason to mourn the loss of Lazarus. I believed he wept over Mary's broken heart.

I believe God has a special place for a woman's mourning heart. The world can be so cruel to them. They can be broken over and over again, leaving us not trusting anyone...even our Lord. Yet, Jesus wept over this. When Hannah wept over her empty arms the Lord heard her and showed compassion over her. There are so many places in the Bible where the Lord softens to our broken hearts: I think he even weeps over them.

My biggest fear? Strangley enough it is not the bit events. Those I cannot control. I cannot control whether or not someone hires me for a big job, falls in love with me, or whether I die tomorrow in an unforseen event. It is the little things I can control that scare me. Did I act in a way which gave honor to God in that job interview? Did I let the person I was interested in see the real me? Do I act in a way which in considerate and caring for other people? Do I let pride creep into my life? Do I give a foothold for Satan?

Those are the things I fear the most.

Love Kelly Sweet's Raincoat song. A talk with God and listening to her brighten every day!

Wow. Been awhile. At the beginning of every school year I take a deep breath and say to myself, "If I can just make it to October." Well, October is here. My children are doing beautifully and I am so proud of them. I continuously challenged to share my love with them and help them to grow in their integrity.

The last few weeks and months have also been a journey for me as I strive to live closer to God and to fast from many of the things that distract me from him. I've also endeavored to spend more time with him each day. It is amazing how full my life is just living to fall in love with him again and earn an income! I feel so blessed to have this time in my life. A time of simplicity and tranquility.

I've fallen completely in love with the simplicity I now live in. I know it will change. It seems that I cannot thrive without some change. However, just living and seeking the next step is a beautiful thing.

This is not to say that there are times that the silence seems to echo. However, God is showing me the beauty in sacrificing all for him. The comforts of this world can make us high...giving us a false sense of well being and suppressing our deep need and hunger for God.

I can't believe it. I finally made it. I have arrived at a "normal" life, or at least as normal as I can ever expect. I have an amazing apartment, a job, friends, and time to chill in the evening. Yet, I currently feel restless. I always knew that once my masters work had ended that it would be a challenge. The accomplishment of marathons and other large undertaking are often accompanied by being down. The goal has been such a large part of life, that the accomplishment of the goal leaves a void.

For the most part, I've still been extremely busy. Having an evening to myself is such an oddity, however, I don't know quite how to handle it.

I'm hoping to take the time and devote it to extra reading, writing, and prayer. However, being disciplined in these matters is an entirely different exercise than being disciplined in a class which is required for successful completion of a goal!

Today I had a God appointment. We ended up with the leaders of Ridgeline around a table talking about the group. It was one of those meetings that I wish I could take credit for setting up, but God set it up. (I love how his load is so light! He doesn't expect me to see all the needs.) It is amazing how God takes care of us and loves us. He has shown his divine hand in my life so many ways. Not to mention the amazing power of prayer. I know that I have several people praying for me and Ridgeline right now and it makes such a tremendous difference.

Tomorrow I will be finalizing the kids for the all day Kindergarten class. Tonight, I found myself in a rush of excitement. Two years ago I had a passion for an after school program for these kids. It was clear they needed love and guidance that they couldn't find at home. I explored and tried to convince others of its value. They were much like me: seeing the value, but lacking the resources. Now, it is like God had given a little piece of that dream. I get to influence the kids from 8:00 to 3:00 everyday. What an opportunity! God is amazing how he fulfills our dreams. Even the dreams which became quickly distant from our present reality.

There is something so comforting about wrapping up a very long day with jazz and tea. This last week has been very full, and I can't believe I'm up late again! However, I'm about to settle in my big comfy chair and finish my day with time with my savior. I crave the quietness and the comfort after a day of directing a new teacher, being the firm hand for some children and the shoulder to cry on for others.

Well, school starts on Tuesday! I should be panicked because I am no where near ready. At the same time, there is little I can do since most of my supplies are on back order!

I am still in a land of unknown on so many areas. (I'm thinking about purchasing a "Home Sweat Home" sign!) Yet God has seemed to determine that I must wait a little longer for the next bit of direction.

I often see several options in front of me, point, and say "God! That will work! Let's go." Yet he has not given me the freedom to move forward. It is at times like that I must remind myself that I am not allowed to move forward because he often has something different and better for me. How myopic we are to think that what is in front of us is always the best!

I am continuously amazed at how much I still need to learn from God and grow. Lately I feel as if I've put God at arms length. I've not made him a priority. He has gently shown me the consequences of when I have done this previously. He has surrounded me with some amazing Christians who are continually spurring me on.

I am so thankful that God loves me in spite of all my flaws and that he protects me. The Psalms always encourage me and provide water to my soul.

The last few weeks since I returned from Africa have been so full. It seems like going back to Africa has once again knocked on my door. I embraced it whole heartedly at first, but find myself hesitant at times. There is a life I wish to lead here, but it does not seem to be the direction God is taking me at this time.

So, I find myself in the land of in between. I belong no where, but must try to thrive while being split between two places. I want to be in Kenya, but I am waiting for the last details to fall into place. At the same time, I find myself trying to fully invest in my job and in life here. Currently, I feel as if I am failing at both.

Since God is the only thing I can fully cling to at this time, I have a death grip! I may have to make many sacrifices in life-but I am never required to sacrifice my relationship to him!

Storm

Tonight a storm rolls in
I see it with a mixture of fear
Wonder
It holds power and the unknown
It sheds life to the earth
I watch in awe
It comes in closer and surrounds my world
Its power captivates me
Lighting rushes across the sky
Power and beauty wrapped in a space of time
Bringing water to my soul

Tonight I'm procrastinating writing a paper by writing this blog! I treated myself to an evening of writing at Rembrandt's however, and can't help but be inspired. The original art and ecletic flair always spurs the mind and creative thought. I love it.

It seems to be a place to dream freely without the pressure of thinking about how to get to those dreams. I sip my tea and my dreams freely. I enjoy the moment and the journey. Of course a little bit of planning slips in...I wonder if I would have time to take up music again over the next year....

O.k. Can I say thank you Google scholar? It has simplified my graduate life to an amazing degree! Before, I spent hours scribbling down results from the library search engine. Now...google and library are linked so I go to google scholar, click on a title, and as long as BSU has rights to it the article opens right up! I'm getting way to spoiled!

When I was five it was around Christmas. About once a month my Mom would make a trip to the local department store to buy one of the many things our family might need. The first thing that you saw when you walked into the store was a glass case full of porcelin dolls. Everytime I would ask to look at them. They were beautiful. Untouchable. Unattainable. I couldn't say that I wanted one. Mainly because it was an impossibility. Like wishing for Buckingham palace. You know you will never have it. So you enjoy just looking at its beauty. Christmas morning came. I opened the strange pajamas from relatives, a new Christmas sweater, and a few other miscellaneous gifts. I held my sweater on my lap and watched as Stacie played with some new toy. "I think there is another gift for Leah." I looked up as my Dad brought over a neatly wrapped box. I sat there confused wondering what kind of gift might be in the box. I slowly opened the package, befuddled for a second, until the torn wrapping revealed a porcelein face. I sat speechless. It was the porcelin doll I had been eyeing for months. I was so quiet my parents asked, "Is that not the one you wanted?"

I looked up. Still amazed, I said, "No. This is the one I REALLY wanted! Thank you!" I don't know how long I sat and just looked at the doll inside the box. However, it did take some prompting for me to take it out and actual hold the perfect gift in my hand.

This last week I found out my cancer had returned. I found myself running errands last week, thanking God that I still had my life and praising for the fact that it looks like everything will be o.k. I had been looking for the perfect dress all week to wear to a local black tie fund raiser. I finally gave up and called a friend asking for a recommendation for a place to have a current dressed altered. The answer??? I've been offered to wear a one of a kind, designer gown for the event. In my prayer time, my thoughts went immediately back to that Christmas and I was five again. This time, my heavenly father carried a gown for me to wear. Beautiful and perfectedly fitted. Unattainable. Unexpected. It was a gift to say, "I love you. I care about you. Live a dream for a night. You are my blessed child."

I am amazed. In the middle of a major life crisis, and I feel so loved by my heavenly "Daddy." I lay in his arms and he makes all of the pain and fears go away. Then, he gives a gift so magnificent, I never even thought to ask for it. I am forever amazed by his love.

Eye to Eye

Yesterday, my Mom who is often overtaken by the drama of life (yes, I do believe that it is genetic), when a lady in our church who is in her 60s and has cerebral palsy came, close, leaned over her broken walker, and said, "wwww hat, have youuuuu got to complaaaaain about? I would give anything to hhhhhave what you hhhhhave." My Mom instantly realized the insanity of her complaints. This week it is tempting to walk on my faith journey full of hurt and maybe even an angry glance up toward my heavenly father. I received a radiation treatment today. So far the side effects are mild, but it means I have to stay away from people. In addition, I've been battling my doctor to restore my medication. Finally, I resorted to my sister entreating her professors as to the latest protocal for returning onto medication. They describe my doctor's stance "archeic." The biggest challenge is knowing that I'll need followups and close monitoring for another year....therefor going back to my home in Africa is also delayed. Most likely next summer. Right now I can feel the radiation pulsing through my body and neck, but the fact I will not be going home in October is much more painful.

However, I look at my life. The love I have of so many people and cannot help but be convicted of the fact I have nothing to complain about. My life is so sweet, any bitterness only brings enhancement to the flavors already there.

Another day....Found out my TSH is 73! Yeah! Well, Kinda. IT only had to be 30, so I could have probably been done earlier this week. I have a scan scheduled for Friday & Monday. A little weird since last time I only was scheduled for one. They said my blood levels looked fine though...so I guess I find out tomorrow!

March 15 2008

Right now I’m in the throws of no thyroid hormones. (And for those of you afraid to ask…I don’t have a thyroid…but everyone else does! It’s not some crazy female thing.)  The last few days have been tortuous. It has been extremely hard not having friends or family around. Family gone, friends at work. Part of my problem is realizing that I need to ask for help. I need to put my pride away. I believe this whole series of events if very God inspired. Lessons I’ve learned so far:

1) You can’t do it alone. You have to ask for help even for the little things.
2) God is bigger than all of it.
3) I’m very selfish. It is so easy to get caught up in the “woe is me.” Instead of making this a delightful time to catch up with the Lord, my tendency is to focus on why I don’t have a line of casseroles on my shelf from people helping me out. (Then I remember that I’ve denied food time and time again. My metabolism is so slow I basically it cereal in the morning and a cup of soup in the afternoon and I’m really full.)
4) My identify is still tied up in what I can accomplish…in spite of God working so hard tear that out of my clenched fists. I found the tears quickly welling up as I was in the library the other day and looked down at my typing…realizing that it was painfully slow. I was frustrated by my abilities. I quickly realized how much the world around us judges us by what we can accomplish. I’m very clumsy right now and I’m constantly embarrassed by how I drop things or my awkward movements.
5) My compassion is rather shallow. Certain things strike me and will bring me to tears for the pain of others. However, when was the last time I took a dish to an elderly person? This has truly rekindled my compassion for those who are sick.
6) My priorities are wrong. Lately I’ve been trying to have on my knees prayer time. Over the past few days I have gotten on my knees and I cannot formulate the words. Frustrated I have given up many mornings talking with my precious Lord and begged for him to listen to the things I cannot utter. I want to change that. Communicating to my Lord is so important…I want to try harder…even if it does not accomplish anything. I want to delve deeper into his word….even if I get confused and don’t remember what I was reading yesterday or a few moments earlier. This is more important than cleaning up and doing a little bit of studying (my goals for the past few days).

When this is done…I hope to work harder to build more relationships with people. Part of me feels I should start now…but my pride still holds me back a little….

I also want to give a big shout out to those who are helping me. Jana volunteering to stay with me…Elicia dropping by….those of you who have allowed me to, what I call emotionally “vomit” on you. Several of you have said or e-mailed a simple “How are you” and been unexpectantly received all the unsettling things brewing inside! Often pages long!

Part of the woe is me part is my lying to myself that all my problems would be solved if I was marry…he would realize that a bill was due since I forgot…he could help me clean up when I dropped a can a soup all over myself and the floor…he could…he could. God is showing me, however, that a husband has a certain amount of obligation….although still not required to do those things by any written law of society…. However, my brothers and sisters in Christ have no such obligation and still take care of me. It is an amazing testimony.

P.S.If a lot of this doesn’t make sense....you can pretty much liken me to an Alzheimer’s patient right now. So forgive the grammar and weird things I’m sure I did!

An amazing evening! I spent almost two hours talking with a professor in deep intellectual conversation. These conversations always feed my soul in a way that is a way which is intangable to describe. Then, in spite of the late hour and be exausted I allowed myself another hour to browse the shelves of our library. My heart lept as I again realized that their is so much I still want to learn. I wonder if you can get a doctorate about nothing...kind of like Seinfield...but education instead of a show...just spending time delving into all the knowledge I never have time for.

Soooo.....what's it like to bounce between low & high thyroid levels...let me just tell a little bit about my life thus far. Forgive me as I complain a bit.

-Exausted by 9:30, but still can't go to bed because of all the reading I need to do. Go to bed at 11:00, wake up at 8:30...yikes! Way to late.
-Not hungry....is eating really necessary to live?
-Wow...if any more hair falls out I may have to go for Rogaine!
-This is the third time I sat down to the computer...what was I going to do...go and do the first random thing that comes to mind as I don't have enough short term memory to know that I even made a to do list...oh yeah...I was going to e-mail missionaries....why am I at the computer again?
-Blood shot eyes...yeah...now I see why people think I'm on drugs...not to mention all the holes in my arms for all the blood they've taken! :0
-Take a full ten seconds to finish a thought on the phone.
-Blue fingers...all the time
-Strange skin
-Feeling like I'm having a heart attack
-Hard time swollowing
-Almost drop things that are heavy and have a hard time opening a pop can.

Now for the advantages..I always have to be positive!
-Great excuse to do nothing but watch movies
-Great excuse for crying over a sappy movies....which rarely happens!
-Food bill goes down
-The requirement of throwing planning out the window!
-Cranking up the heat and not feeling guilty about it!
-Calling or e-mailing somebody twice in one day...they feel honored...ummm...let's keep it a secret that it's just because I didn't remember I e-mailed them that morning.
-Giving old people a hug and TRULY understanding what they are going through!
-Kicking back and doing lots of reading for school...and having plenty of -leah-gagging time when I can't concentrate!

Delight

Today I couldn't help but walk around with a smile on my face as equilibrium seemed to once again come into my life. I've adjusted to the idea that March will be tough, but right now is good. As I walked, I couldn't help but smile over the many little things that bring delight in my life.

A Bible so well worn that I constantly find flecks of leather in my bed, on my chair, and on the floor; making someone smile; a house which is generally clean, but has a lived in feel; finding a dollar in a pocket; a phone call from my parents; playing dominos with my grandparents; learning to dance; having formal dresses and occasions to wear them; letting my hair down and discovering it looks good even though its been thrown up in a clip all day; looking for red shoes...even if I never find ones in my budget the hunt is fun; talks with Melissa that seem like they only last 15 minutes...even though they lasted two hours; sharing your soul, your visions, and your hopes in life with someone; disagreeing with your Mom and it being o.k....it means i'm grown up; having someone say "you're the best teacher," a long run, a beautiful hike; anticipating the first snow; waking up in the middle of the night to the silence of snow falling; hearing monkeys play outside your window; finding a beautiful hybiscas flowering in Boise Idaho; watching a movie piled onto a small couch with friends; arches in architecture; daydreaming; having a crush; the hope of love; holding a friend's newborn for the first time; telling my sister I love you and I'm so thankful God didn't take you home just yet; hearing the stories of missionaries; driving on a long roadtrip; praying; writing; finding a good book...even if you don't have time to read it; reflecting on God's love; hearing jazz flow out of a local pizzeria everytime I walk home from class; complimenting the bruise of a little boy; anticipating rafting season; surviving cancer; receiving a wink...so old fashioned...yet flirtatious; singing an old hymn; finding an old friend; the smell of homemade cookies; knowing the answer to a trivial pursuit question; being complimented on your cooking; being complimented; thinking of all the ways I hope to delight my husband one day; having friends who know you so well that they know you make a funny noise when you swallow; scheming with Jana & Elicia; holding the secret knowledge of the MLVs; learning to water ski; reorganizing; car dancing; seeing a plumeria tree; singing and dancing to the perfect song on the radio...even if all the other cars are watching; learning to great someone in a different language; reading the thoughts of Jim & Elizabeth Elliot; Trustisng God whole heartedly with every aspect of my life; writing something as silly as this even though people may never read it!

Ahhhh...the infamous Valentine's week. I think I will remember this one for a while.

Mon: Teaching hormone crazed third graders
Tues: Teaching hormone crazed third graders on an unseasonably warm day and preparing for a sub since my co-worker would be gone.
Wes: Doc appointment. Found out that since I might be going overseas I need to have a thyroid scan. No big deal...until I find out that I have to go off my medication. The bloggers often term this hypo-hell. The last time I did this I stayed under a blanket it 110 degree weather for over a week. My daily goal was to make my bed...after doing so I would feel exhausted. How does this fit in with grad school, teaching, and trying to figure out what to do next???
Thurs: The big day! Had dinner and played nertz with a bunch of single friends. Yes...we are nerds...but we had so much fun.
Fri: Wrote a paper, had dinner with the parents
Sat: long run...way to much quiet time to think about the future...but God blessed it! Went to a baby shower and felt very out of place amoung all the other Moms and married women. Do baby's really need that much stuff???? LOTR in the evening..fell asleep soon after Rivendell.
Sun: Well, soon I'll have church and group. The thing I hate most about health issues is having to explain what's going on to everyone else. It's also hard knowing that it is impossible for others to understand the impact...they weren't there we I went through it the last time....it reminds me that I had cancer...a fact I forget most days...it reminds me that I have friends and family to help...but ultimately it is up to God and I to get through this. Right now I'm trying to work ahead and not dwell on the fears...fears I won't be able to teach because of feeling bad and ruining 26 kids third grade year...fear that something might be wrong...fear I won't be able to keep up with my graduate studies.

Thankfully I have a fear catcher. God catches them all and reminds me of the amazing things he has done in the past. I'm also reminded that for at least 6 months I had a TSH of 12-15 when it is supposed to be close to zero and I managed to keep up with everything. It will have to be 30 for the scan...but only for a short time. I think God allowed my levels to be off last year to show me I could do it. He provided the strength and will do so again.

Awesome post Melissa! I had to steal it!

The Lord opens doors, not simply for mission organizations and churches, but also for individual believers. A chance to do His will in any area of life must be taken seriously, as His opportunities always lead to the path He has designed for us. Some seem too good to be true, others are cloaked in hardship, and still others defy human reasoning. We need to know how to listen for and discern God's voice so that we can be certain when it is His hand opening a door.
- Dr. Charles Stanley

Isaiah 58:6-14

Words from a Kenyan artist....

I sit here in my art studio trying to find a way to focus on my work. But instead, the chaos going on in my country Kenya leaves me deeply saddened and hopeless. And the situation gets worse. Never did I imagine that in my lifetime or ever - my home country would go through something like this. I was born and raised in a remote village in central Kenya. People here were from different tribes and had lived in peace with each other- until now.


I feel these words run so closely to my own heart lately...for both the country I love and my internal thoughts regarding my future....my own tribes and thoughts warring against each other....fighting for my mind and my future.

Reading a recent e-mail from the Daniels broke my heart....pulling me there again...my question has become lately not whether to commit for a 3-5 year time period or a lifetime???

The pic? Mt. Kenya. This is what you see from one of the schools at the Daniels.

Another Applicaiton....Please pray!

World Vision
Child Survival Monitoring and Evaluation Officer -- Location: Herat

Some Wikipedia about Herat...ancient relics of Alexander the Great sounds fascinating!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herat

Dear old friends who I would love to work with.

www.jerrydaniels.org

Please pray as this decision is weighing very heavily on my mind. I want to do what is glorifying to God.

A cool website with computer art:

www.digitalblasphemy.com

A new day, a new application.

www.frontiers.org

Well,the past few weeks I have spent more time hanging out with friends than I had in years. I have also been internally challenged about standards which I have held for a long time. Certain view about how to act around guys, how to avoid every appearance of evil, and the like. I know how they looked when I was little, but how do they look in 2008?

My conclusions? I am so thankful for the standards I had growing up, strict as they may have been. I have been so protected and have avoided so much pain that many others have not. In addition, I am entering my late 20s with no real baggage from my past.

I want everything I do to be glorifying to God. Yet these standards are not standards just to have rules. They are ones which are glorifying to God.

So what are these crazy standards? Right now, I don't drink. I don't think I've had more than 2 glasses of wine in my whole life, but I want to conciously abstaining until God directs me otherwise. Mainly because it is a stumbling block for some...going on the mission field and drinking don't mix...and I believe it makes me crave a lifestyle which God does not have for me. I've also had very high standards on the type of person I date and the physical boundaries that I have. I want to continue that. If I do marry, I want to marry someone who will spur me on spiritually.

On a different note, no updates on jobs yet! I have a resume off to Texas for Manna, but no response yet.

Please pray for Kenya as the country continues to face turmoil. I keep thinking of all the friends I have there and how much this impacts there daily lives.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/?ok

Here's me celebrating midnight at Table Rock! We just did the short run this year...no run from the bottom. Not as much fun, but a lot easier! I love this tradition, but it is sad I only get to spend it with a portion of the group... I may need to try and bring a few more people in!

I celebrated New Years with our Young Professional group! It was rather a bitter sweet night. Today, I have to start heading back to the real world. Over the break I was able to spend lots of time with friends and family I hadn't seen in a while. Not only that I got to go dancing! Totally the highlight of my break as I love to dance. Guess I have to put the dancing shoes up for now and pull out the books.