Eye to Eye

Yesterday, my Mom who is often overtaken by the drama of life (yes, I do believe that it is genetic), when a lady in our church who is in her 60s and has cerebral palsy came, close, leaned over her broken walker, and said, "wwww hat, have youuuuu got to complaaaaain about? I would give anything to hhhhhave what you hhhhhave." My Mom instantly realized the insanity of her complaints. This week it is tempting to walk on my faith journey full of hurt and maybe even an angry glance up toward my heavenly father. I received a radiation treatment today. So far the side effects are mild, but it means I have to stay away from people. In addition, I've been battling my doctor to restore my medication. Finally, I resorted to my sister entreating her professors as to the latest protocal for returning onto medication. They describe my doctor's stance "archeic." The biggest challenge is knowing that I'll need followups and close monitoring for another year....therefor going back to my home in Africa is also delayed. Most likely next summer. Right now I can feel the radiation pulsing through my body and neck, but the fact I will not be going home in October is much more painful.

However, I look at my life. The love I have of so many people and cannot help but be convicted of the fact I have nothing to complain about. My life is so sweet, any bitterness only brings enhancement to the flavors already there.

Another day....Found out my TSH is 73! Yeah! Well, Kinda. IT only had to be 30, so I could have probably been done earlier this week. I have a scan scheduled for Friday & Monday. A little weird since last time I only was scheduled for one. They said my blood levels looked fine though...so I guess I find out tomorrow!

March 15 2008

Right now I’m in the throws of no thyroid hormones. (And for those of you afraid to ask…I don’t have a thyroid…but everyone else does! It’s not some crazy female thing.)  The last few days have been tortuous. It has been extremely hard not having friends or family around. Family gone, friends at work. Part of my problem is realizing that I need to ask for help. I need to put my pride away. I believe this whole series of events if very God inspired. Lessons I’ve learned so far:

1) You can’t do it alone. You have to ask for help even for the little things.
2) God is bigger than all of it.
3) I’m very selfish. It is so easy to get caught up in the “woe is me.” Instead of making this a delightful time to catch up with the Lord, my tendency is to focus on why I don’t have a line of casseroles on my shelf from people helping me out. (Then I remember that I’ve denied food time and time again. My metabolism is so slow I basically it cereal in the morning and a cup of soup in the afternoon and I’m really full.)
4) My identify is still tied up in what I can accomplish…in spite of God working so hard tear that out of my clenched fists. I found the tears quickly welling up as I was in the library the other day and looked down at my typing…realizing that it was painfully slow. I was frustrated by my abilities. I quickly realized how much the world around us judges us by what we can accomplish. I’m very clumsy right now and I’m constantly embarrassed by how I drop things or my awkward movements.
5) My compassion is rather shallow. Certain things strike me and will bring me to tears for the pain of others. However, when was the last time I took a dish to an elderly person? This has truly rekindled my compassion for those who are sick.
6) My priorities are wrong. Lately I’ve been trying to have on my knees prayer time. Over the past few days I have gotten on my knees and I cannot formulate the words. Frustrated I have given up many mornings talking with my precious Lord and begged for him to listen to the things I cannot utter. I want to change that. Communicating to my Lord is so important…I want to try harder…even if it does not accomplish anything. I want to delve deeper into his word….even if I get confused and don’t remember what I was reading yesterday or a few moments earlier. This is more important than cleaning up and doing a little bit of studying (my goals for the past few days).

When this is done…I hope to work harder to build more relationships with people. Part of me feels I should start now…but my pride still holds me back a little….

I also want to give a big shout out to those who are helping me. Jana volunteering to stay with me…Elicia dropping by….those of you who have allowed me to, what I call emotionally “vomit” on you. Several of you have said or e-mailed a simple “How are you” and been unexpectantly received all the unsettling things brewing inside! Often pages long!

Part of the woe is me part is my lying to myself that all my problems would be solved if I was marry…he would realize that a bill was due since I forgot…he could help me clean up when I dropped a can a soup all over myself and the floor…he could…he could. God is showing me, however, that a husband has a certain amount of obligation….although still not required to do those things by any written law of society…. However, my brothers and sisters in Christ have no such obligation and still take care of me. It is an amazing testimony.

P.S.If a lot of this doesn’t make sense....you can pretty much liken me to an Alzheimer’s patient right now. So forgive the grammar and weird things I’m sure I did!

An amazing evening! I spent almost two hours talking with a professor in deep intellectual conversation. These conversations always feed my soul in a way that is a way which is intangable to describe. Then, in spite of the late hour and be exausted I allowed myself another hour to browse the shelves of our library. My heart lept as I again realized that their is so much I still want to learn. I wonder if you can get a doctorate about nothing...kind of like Seinfield...but education instead of a show...just spending time delving into all the knowledge I never have time for.

Soooo.....what's it like to bounce between low & high thyroid levels...let me just tell a little bit about my life thus far. Forgive me as I complain a bit.

-Exausted by 9:30, but still can't go to bed because of all the reading I need to do. Go to bed at 11:00, wake up at 8:30...yikes! Way to late.
-Not hungry....is eating really necessary to live?
-Wow...if any more hair falls out I may have to go for Rogaine!
-This is the third time I sat down to the computer...what was I going to do...go and do the first random thing that comes to mind as I don't have enough short term memory to know that I even made a to do list...oh yeah...I was going to e-mail missionaries....why am I at the computer again?
-Blood shot eyes...yeah...now I see why people think I'm on drugs...not to mention all the holes in my arms for all the blood they've taken! :0
-Take a full ten seconds to finish a thought on the phone.
-Blue fingers...all the time
-Strange skin
-Feeling like I'm having a heart attack
-Hard time swollowing
-Almost drop things that are heavy and have a hard time opening a pop can.

Now for the advantages..I always have to be positive!
-Great excuse to do nothing but watch movies
-Great excuse for crying over a sappy movies....which rarely happens!
-Food bill goes down
-The requirement of throwing planning out the window!
-Cranking up the heat and not feeling guilty about it!
-Calling or e-mailing somebody twice in one day...they feel honored...ummm...let's keep it a secret that it's just because I didn't remember I e-mailed them that morning.
-Giving old people a hug and TRULY understanding what they are going through!
-Kicking back and doing lots of reading for school...and having plenty of -leah-gagging time when I can't concentrate!