At moments like this I feel truly ashamed. Ashamed for not being more grateful.

Tonight I've been watching a documentary about Rwanda. For now I have had to stop. It is not the images. In Zambia I watched as children struck with AIDS, cerebral malaria, and other diseases take their last breath. In Kenya I will never forget dodging what I thought was a man on the side of the road, only to realize it was a body. The images of Rwanda cannot compare, but what troubles me is how little people care. How little I care...and I have been to Africa. Thinking of my pettiness is disheartening. Wondering if I would be willing to die for the chance that a few could be saved is sobering to say the least. The truth is, I truly wonder if I would? So often I do not bodly speak of my savior in order that my friends do not face eternal torture. If I am not willing to sacrifice my pride...who is to say I would be willing to sacrfice more.

It is at moments like this when I am reminded about the sinner I truly am. How God's grace truly is amazing.

Then, I think about Sudan...they are calling it another Rwanda. What will I do this time? This picture is titled waiting. That is what I feel I am doing. Waiting to see if I will be able to impact the world, or will I always be hoping to impact others? I am waiting to see if marriage is something God holds for me, or if he wishes me to close that part of my heart. I am waiting to see if anything will come of this degree and career I am pursuing, or is only a side note?

Wow. Christmas is over. It has been a turmultuous last couple of days. I found myself turning in my last paper and then bursting into tears. My next day's schedule was full, but I found myself overwhelmed by the upcoming free time I had. (I know...crazy...this is what happens when you live in the fast lane!) It has also been overwhelming knowing that I have to go back to school and seriously work on jobs.

Everytime I begin to look for a new job, old feelings come up: fear and inadequacey. Can I really do the things God has called me to do?

Which brings up a whole new issue. God is so amazing, yet I have spent so little time with him. I reflect back on my life and think of the times of discipline which I have had in Bible study, in my thoughts, and in my prayer. I look at my current life and realize I have not maintained that discipline. I begin to ask myself why.

My thoughts? God has asked me to do things much bigger than I before and he has enabled me to do them. Now, it seems that which ever step I take next will involve a great deal of pain. Like a child looking at a looming needle in the doctors office I find myself looking at what God the same way. I know it is needed...but part of me still wants to avoid it.

Right now I'm looking at several options. One is taking a job with a nonprofit in the states and try to work my way up to a regional manager overseas. This involves delaying my desire of returning. Pain.

My next option is to try and secure a post overseas with a nonprofit. This will mean going to a place where I may not know any missionaries. Going alone terrifies me. I don't handle isolation or bordom well. With this option both are a possibility.

God may ask me to go as a traditional missionary. Raising my own support sounds exciting and absolutely terrifying at the same time. I don't mind asking for money for other people. I hate asking for money for myself.

Perhaps there is another option that I can't even think of or am afraid to even hope for. No matter what, I need to make sure I refocus on God. With so much else going on, it is easy to focus only on myself.

By the way....the pic is one of my Christmas items! I can't wait to put it on the backdash of old Sheila. My brother in law shook his head over this idea and said, "Do you want to scare the guys away?" Oh well. Hopefully one day I can find someone who won't be scared by my "quirkiness." ;-)

Time has flown by! I can't believe that this next week will be my last week teaching three days a week. Equally unbelievable is this semester will be my last semester of grad school! It really does just seem like yesterday that I got back from Africa. This coming April it will have been three years. I can't believe it.

Next week I'm off to Sun Valley! I don't know if I'll actually get to ski, but I'm hoping to have some sort of snow fun!

Tonight it is snowing, and it is beautiful. Watching the snow fall on the city always brings a quite and a peace. It makes me look forward to the Christmas Season and a time with family and friends.

This week has been John 9. I think the Lord put it in the Bible to humble me. You think you are beginning to figure things out, and then Jesus says, "For judgement I have come into this world, so that the blind will see and those see will become blind." I can understand the first part of the verse...He came to make the physical & spiritual blind see. But to make those who can see blind? In any facet, it seems contradictory to His nature. Unless he is saying that he is showing those who think they can see how blind they really are.

Today was a wonderful teaching day. It went very smoothly. Second semester will be here before I know it. Which means that my decision as to what to do next year is barrelling towards me. I'm am excited to see what is coming next. At the same time, the unknown is always slightly terrifying.

*Sigh* My paper due tonight is finally printed and sitting beside me! I'm taking a moment to try and detox a little before moving on to class! My O.D.D. student was giving me fits today. You know the day is not going to be good when it starts off with him shouting at you "I hate school!" I'm just praying a lot for him and trying to be a consistent as possible...but I keep thinking of all the things I need to do differently.

Yesterday he was gone and it was so nice to have a little down time.

Well...4 more pages down....30 more to go before December 20th. That will be my last day for this semester!

Well, I received some dissapointing news today...My parents scheduled Christmas on the day of the YMCA Christmas run! It's my 10K tradition...I'm trying to decide if I can manage both in one day or not. :)