Wow. Christmas is over. It has been a turmultuous last couple of days. I found myself turning in my last paper and then bursting into tears. My next day's schedule was full, but I found myself overwhelmed by the upcoming free time I had. (I know...crazy...this is what happens when you live in the fast lane!) It has also been overwhelming knowing that I have to go back to school and seriously work on jobs.

Everytime I begin to look for a new job, old feelings come up: fear and inadequacey. Can I really do the things God has called me to do?

Which brings up a whole new issue. God is so amazing, yet I have spent so little time with him. I reflect back on my life and think of the times of discipline which I have had in Bible study, in my thoughts, and in my prayer. I look at my current life and realize I have not maintained that discipline. I begin to ask myself why.

My thoughts? God has asked me to do things much bigger than I before and he has enabled me to do them. Now, it seems that which ever step I take next will involve a great deal of pain. Like a child looking at a looming needle in the doctors office I find myself looking at what God the same way. I know it is needed...but part of me still wants to avoid it.

Right now I'm looking at several options. One is taking a job with a nonprofit in the states and try to work my way up to a regional manager overseas. This involves delaying my desire of returning. Pain.

My next option is to try and secure a post overseas with a nonprofit. This will mean going to a place where I may not know any missionaries. Going alone terrifies me. I don't handle isolation or bordom well. With this option both are a possibility.

God may ask me to go as a traditional missionary. Raising my own support sounds exciting and absolutely terrifying at the same time. I don't mind asking for money for other people. I hate asking for money for myself.

Perhaps there is another option that I can't even think of or am afraid to even hope for. No matter what, I need to make sure I refocus on God. With so much else going on, it is easy to focus only on myself.

By the way....the pic is one of my Christmas items! I can't wait to put it on the backdash of old Sheila. My brother in law shook his head over this idea and said, "Do you want to scare the guys away?" Oh well. Hopefully one day I can find someone who won't be scared by my "quirkiness." ;-)