March 15 2008

Right now I’m in the throws of no thyroid hormones. (And for those of you afraid to ask…I don’t have a thyroid…but everyone else does! It’s not some crazy female thing.)  The last few days have been tortuous. It has been extremely hard not having friends or family around. Family gone, friends at work. Part of my problem is realizing that I need to ask for help. I need to put my pride away. I believe this whole series of events if very God inspired. Lessons I’ve learned so far:

1) You can’t do it alone. You have to ask for help even for the little things.
2) God is bigger than all of it.
3) I’m very selfish. It is so easy to get caught up in the “woe is me.” Instead of making this a delightful time to catch up with the Lord, my tendency is to focus on why I don’t have a line of casseroles on my shelf from people helping me out. (Then I remember that I’ve denied food time and time again. My metabolism is so slow I basically it cereal in the morning and a cup of soup in the afternoon and I’m really full.)
4) My identify is still tied up in what I can accomplish…in spite of God working so hard tear that out of my clenched fists. I found the tears quickly welling up as I was in the library the other day and looked down at my typing…realizing that it was painfully slow. I was frustrated by my abilities. I quickly realized how much the world around us judges us by what we can accomplish. I’m very clumsy right now and I’m constantly embarrassed by how I drop things or my awkward movements.
5) My compassion is rather shallow. Certain things strike me and will bring me to tears for the pain of others. However, when was the last time I took a dish to an elderly person? This has truly rekindled my compassion for those who are sick.
6) My priorities are wrong. Lately I’ve been trying to have on my knees prayer time. Over the past few days I have gotten on my knees and I cannot formulate the words. Frustrated I have given up many mornings talking with my precious Lord and begged for him to listen to the things I cannot utter. I want to change that. Communicating to my Lord is so important…I want to try harder…even if it does not accomplish anything. I want to delve deeper into his word….even if I get confused and don’t remember what I was reading yesterday or a few moments earlier. This is more important than cleaning up and doing a little bit of studying (my goals for the past few days).

When this is done…I hope to work harder to build more relationships with people. Part of me feels I should start now…but my pride still holds me back a little….

I also want to give a big shout out to those who are helping me. Jana volunteering to stay with me…Elicia dropping by….those of you who have allowed me to, what I call emotionally “vomit” on you. Several of you have said or e-mailed a simple “How are you” and been unexpectantly received all the unsettling things brewing inside! Often pages long!

Part of the woe is me part is my lying to myself that all my problems would be solved if I was marry…he would realize that a bill was due since I forgot…he could help me clean up when I dropped a can a soup all over myself and the floor…he could…he could. God is showing me, however, that a husband has a certain amount of obligation….although still not required to do those things by any written law of society…. However, my brothers and sisters in Christ have no such obligation and still take care of me. It is an amazing testimony.

P.S.If a lot of this doesn’t make sense....you can pretty much liken me to an Alzheimer’s patient right now. So forgive the grammar and weird things I’m sure I did!