Check out a possible t shirt slogan by me. :)

http://www.threadless.com/profile/886073/Lily_B/slogans

Dreams, hopes, and desires are like the strings of a silken web. Stronger than steel, yet thin and delicate. Once again I have held on to them, but trying to ignore they are there. Now, I find them entangled around me. I am bound by them. What was once my hopes and dreams I know see as a painful enemy. They cut deep into my flesh as I struggle to move forward.

I am tempted to take hold of them. To break them. To make sure they never interfer with my plans again. Yet, they are attatched to my heart. To break them would create a wound deep within me. They are attached to my heart. They are my heartstrings and could not quiver at the mere vibrations of humanity if removed.

So, I take them and hand them over to God. Praying that he can take what is painful, and use it to build a bridge to my future.

I am so blessed. Yet, at the same time so hopelessly flawed. The fact that God chooses to look down on me and consider me worthy of his love, his discipline, and his consideration never ceases to amaze me.

For him to use me at all is an honor which should never be taken for granted. May my own pride and self worth never get in the way or overshadow in my own mind his greatness.

I was reading John 11 tonight and doing a little cross referencing. I know I had heard it before, but it struck me tonight that Mary was the same Mary who wept at Jesus feet, perfumed him, and dried it with her hair. This is the Mary who sat at Jesus' feet and listened while Martha toiled away. This is the Mary who was a woman of the night.

When Lazarus died and they heard that Jesus was coming, Martha went and approached him immediately. Mary, however, did not. I picture Martha being the homemaker, the responsible one, the one who never made a mistake. Then, there was Mary. She didn't follow the rules. She gave herself to multiple men. She didn't jump up and help Martha "Stewart" even though Martha was rather frustrated with her.

She had found the Son of God. A man she could trust. A man who only had her best interest in mind. A man who wouldn't play with her heart, use her, or treat her as a mere piece of dirt. She had found the Savior.

But then her brother died. He wasn't there. Her heart shattered into a million pieces. She trusted, most likely against her better judgement, and even God wasn't there when she needed him. She falls at Jesus' feet and hurls this accusation at him: "if you had been here!" I can just picture her falling apart. I have felt that same hurt before.

Jesus wept.

So many sermans I've heard the pastor pegs this line as Jesus being sad he lost his best bud Lazarus and seeing this emotional women reminded him of that and caused a little tear. I don't picture it this way. Jesus had already told his disciples and Martha he was going to raise Lazarus from the dead. He had know real reason to mourn the loss of Lazarus. I believed he wept over Mary's broken heart.

I believe God has a special place for a woman's mourning heart. The world can be so cruel to them. They can be broken over and over again, leaving us not trusting anyone...even our Lord. Yet, Jesus wept over this. When Hannah wept over her empty arms the Lord heard her and showed compassion over her. There are so many places in the Bible where the Lord softens to our broken hearts: I think he even weeps over them.

My biggest fear? Strangley enough it is not the bit events. Those I cannot control. I cannot control whether or not someone hires me for a big job, falls in love with me, or whether I die tomorrow in an unforseen event. It is the little things I can control that scare me. Did I act in a way which gave honor to God in that job interview? Did I let the person I was interested in see the real me? Do I act in a way which in considerate and caring for other people? Do I let pride creep into my life? Do I give a foothold for Satan?

Those are the things I fear the most.

Love Kelly Sweet's Raincoat song. A talk with God and listening to her brighten every day!

Wow. Been awhile. At the beginning of every school year I take a deep breath and say to myself, "If I can just make it to October." Well, October is here. My children are doing beautifully and I am so proud of them. I continuously challenged to share my love with them and help them to grow in their integrity.

The last few weeks and months have also been a journey for me as I strive to live closer to God and to fast from many of the things that distract me from him. I've also endeavored to spend more time with him each day. It is amazing how full my life is just living to fall in love with him again and earn an income! I feel so blessed to have this time in my life. A time of simplicity and tranquility.

I've fallen completely in love with the simplicity I now live in. I know it will change. It seems that I cannot thrive without some change. However, just living and seeking the next step is a beautiful thing.

This is not to say that there are times that the silence seems to echo. However, God is showing me the beauty in sacrificing all for him. The comforts of this world can make us high...giving us a false sense of well being and suppressing our deep need and hunger for God.